In today’s world, we often follow the mantra of “You miss, I hit,” in an attempt to keep winning. This means we’re always chasing success, making life an unforgiving race. Our education system adds to the pressure, focusing more on competition than actual learning. Students’ futures are judged solely by their grades, and it’s frustrating to be rejected just because of a few lower marks. 

This way of living makes life seem like it’s either black or white, without any in-between. It makes us unapologetic and unforgiving, which can limit us in the long run by ignoring the nuances in life. I don’t look at this as winning. I prefer to characterize it as mere survival.

I once read a quote that caught my interest: “If something kills you over and over again for thousands of generations, evolution will select for any instinct or behavior that motivates you to spot and avoid that thing.” This made me think about how our ancestors lived.

Picture our great-grand ancestors living in tribes and small communities, moving around in search of food and shelter. Along the way, they would often be met with dangers in the form of predators and other hostile tribes. Over time, they learned to be on guard at all times and developed systems to detect danger and threats. They learned to cooperate with others in their group in order to survive, while the stronger ones would strive to maintain a sense of power over the rest. Imagine you had a point of view back then; you would probably be killed or be left behind to die. Or, if you ventured out alone in the forest, you could be a hungry lion’s meal. 

This survival instinct is still hardwired in us, even today, even if we are no longer living in the wild. We still act on fear or doubt, as if a danger is waiting to pounce on us. We continue to act under the illusion that this response equates to winning and succeeding. Shouldn’t this raise the question of why such tendencies endure in our relatively safe modern world compared to the challenges faced by our ancestors?

Research indicates that, on average, we have approximately 6,000 thoughts each day. This averages to about 4-5 thoughts every minute. Another study reveals that nearly 80% of these thoughts tend to be negative. Constantly dwelling on potential problems keeps us in a state of alertness, triggering the fight or flight response—similar to how our ancestors lived. Despite our improved living standards, our brains still prioritize survival over happiness, maintaining a primal focus on potential threats.

Over time, evolution shaped our brains to develop patterns or shortcuts for self-protection. However, this emphasis on survival, framed as always needing to win, is often out of place in today’s world. It defeats the purpose of living and can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious. Some of these patterns that our brains have developed, however well they worked for our ancestors, may not be the best way going forward.

Continuing and exploring our quest for deliberate living, my goal today is to help you recognize some of these patterns and see how they could be currently playing out in your life. Let me do that through a story of my friend, Radha (not her real name.)

Radha grew up in a small village in Maharashtra, along with two siblings. As the second child of well-respected parents within the village, Radha encountered numerous challenges in the conservative rural setting. From being expected to help her mother with household chores from a very young age to being discouraged from attending school, she continued facing discrimination at many levels. Radha, however, defied these norms with her family’s support. She became the first girl in her village to wear jeans and ride a motorcycle, and the first woman to pursue higher education outside the village.

Upon finishing her graduation, she relocated to the city in pursuit of a promising and fulfilling life. Like many, she embraced a “winning” attitude. However, without realizing it, the discriminatory stories from her past quietly lingered within her and began to affect her potential and growth. The subtle biases she had internalized affected her interactions with colleagues and her confidence in taking on new responsibilities. Despite her accomplishments, she felt a lingering self-doubt. At work, she was often passed over for a promotion. Slowly it began to impact her personal life, and her relationship with her child and spouse started to get affected. In the middle of all this, during a critical project, she hesitated to contribute fully, despite having all the knowledge and that revelation became a catalyst for self-reflection and seeking help. 

As she delved deeper into the roots of her self-doubts, she realized that the discriminatory stories from her past had subtly shaped her perception of her capabilities. She had internalized the notion that, as a woman, her role was primarily defined by cooking and taking care of the family. This belief led her to develop a sense of inferiority compared to her male counterparts, convincing herself that they were inherently more competent. This triggered a downward spiral of self-doubt and self-blame which eventually led to a self-sabotaging behavior. Gradually, she began to see herself as a complete failure. Every time her manager looked angry or displeased, she felt that she had done something wrong.

Recognize the Patterns That Sabotage Your Life

The notions that Radha had developed are indeed patterns our brains form to protect and safeguard us. The first pattern, known as “generalization,” involves taking one or two experiences from your life and generalizing them to the whole. In Radha’s case, she generalized that all men were inherently more competent than her, and she assumed they would consistently surpass her in promotions. The second pattern, termed “All-or-nothing thinking,” led her to perceive herself as a complete failure, adopting a limiting mindset of ‘This is who I am.’ A third pattern, the “Spotlight effect,” caused her to believe that she was under constant observation, taking her manager’s anger personally.

These patterns are ingrained in our brains as shortcuts for navigating the world. Recognizing when these patterns come into play provides an opportunity to catch them and decide what we want from the situation or experience.

In my previous article, I urged you to acknowledge that you are the author of your life. Today, I invite you to take a step further and truly own your entire narrative, while also acknowledging the subtle patterns that shape your life. Those who don’t own their stories rely on external validation, constantly seeking approval from the outer world to define their existence. And, in doing so, they often make compromises in life and settle for mediocrity. They feel they don’t have control over what’s going on and see themselves as unchanging.

I encourage you to reflect on areas of your life where these patterns emerge. Where do you notice generalizations in your attitude or behavior, or succumb to all-or-nothing thinking?

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Accepting ownership of your life and behaving in a manner that reflects this ownership is crucial. Without this acknowledgment, it becomes a significant obstacle to challenging the prevailing “winning” norm and making the shift toward more deliberate living.

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This article first appeared in my column titled “जिंकावे नि जगावेही” in Loksatta’s Chatturang supplement on February 24, 2024. Here is the link to the original article in Marathi.